This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.