A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
*cough*
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.