A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
You Might Also Like
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Yup
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?