Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat