Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
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My zodiac sign is pistachio
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people