My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
You can’t outrun your problems…
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
But wait…
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
pizza