Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
You Might Also Like
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
How funny!
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.