I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
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Mornin
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.