“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
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Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]