If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Human are so complicated
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.