A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?