Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic