Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.