I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.