My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing