“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram