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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream