Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.