Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
new shirt idea
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
WWE is French for “yes”