Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation