Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?