Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!