Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
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don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
So, can we agree on 4 or
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.