Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
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Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.