i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.