I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders