I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners