My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
my name if I was in the mob
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf