I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.