me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
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I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.