Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
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PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
😂😂
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.