wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
God has left this place
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Breakfast for Stoners:
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.