When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
You Might Also Like
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.