Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The answer is funnier than the question
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.