there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.