director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
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dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
True dat! 😂😂😂😂