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The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer