I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
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(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
PARKOUR
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg