computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Thursday Thought.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts