Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
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[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
she has a point
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.