Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
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The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.