My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.