“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.