Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
rise and shine we got egg
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!