4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”