“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy