If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
a badder mouse
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat