violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I hope it’s French Onion!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it