I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.