my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.